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White Minneapolis Woman Finds Black Boyfriend Unacceptable A white Minneapolis woman has recently broken up with her black boyfriend because she found his acceptance of white people to be completely unacceptable. When asked to explain how she came to the conclusion, Rachel Smith Johnson commented, "ya know... I was thinking about how I thought I had found true love, because well, I had gone through my dating app and unchecked every human being on the planet other than black men, specifically African men.... so, ya know, not African Americans, more like, American Africans... and I narrowed down my search to the perfect man who I thought would compliment my beliefs and ideals... I even went to Cameroon and insisted that he leave his family or people or tribe or whatever you call it over there. So I brought him back here and I created this life for us, but the more I thought about how terrible it is for people of color to be so oppressed and controlled by white people, the more I realized that I just couldn't be with someone who was willing to leave his people or tribe or family or whatever for a white person. I mean. We're terrible. We're the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong in the world. What kind of a white supremacist enabling person of color finds it acceptable to date a white person? I just couldn't be with someone like that anymore. I can't contribute to these white nationalist black people and their fascist lifestyles. I will only be dating white people from now on to truly get at the root cause of our own terribleness and tendency for subliminal micro white aggressions toward minorities and oppressive ways." When asked if Ms. Johnson could possibly see the irony and hypocrisy in her actions she screamed at the sky, buzzed her hair and died what was left of it purple. Update: We are still looking for the reporter who initially researched this story. It is believed his brain melted smooth out of his skull via ear canal and nostrils and is possibly standing in the same exact spot upon completion, a completely rigor mortised cadaver going 100% unnoticed in the current state of Minneapolis.
Minnesota Construction Union in a Bind... A construction union in the Twin Cities of Minnesota has found itself in a bind after requiring members to attend a white privilege and social justice seminar over a recent weekend. During the seminar, the largely white male crowd was told how they are what's wrong with the construction world, being largely white, male and heterosexual and need to start considering how their toxic, white masculinity is affecting the roughly 3% of non-white, non-male coworkers they have. They were constantly reminded that their union gives all of its political donations to politicians who are making the enlightening and diversity, equity and inclusion seminar possible and that it is in fact for the member's own good. And that gender was fluid so they should be sure to never assume that a co-worker is either male or female and that depending upon ancestry, color of skin may also not be so easy to detect - race is just a word and it's the feelings inside that matter more. Upon completion of the seminar, it is believed that most of the construction union's white, male members went down to their Union Hall and all identified as women of color. People familiar with the situation inside the offices of the Union Hall are said to report that the common concern was that there was no possible way to woman 1500 spots on jobs that have a minority requirement. The most common phrase being repeated was supposedly, "well f--- me. What have we done?"
Obama Suffers Head Injury Over the weekend, former President Barack Obama suffered a head injury while biking with Michelle and seems to have reverted back to his pre 2008 self. He's been seen in bars asking to flip the channel to Fox News, asking, "what happened to the southern border? It doesn't seem like a good thing to have 2 million illegal immigrants here in that short of time... or ever." He's also been asking if Michael Moore is now the owner of CNN and if Bill Ayers managed to buy MSNBC? More troubling is the fact that he seems to be very bewildered at his new/old found white nationalist, fascist, bigotted, white supremacist views and opinions from 2008 commenting, "all I did was say that a secure wall was probably not a bad way to protect things and keep people from getting into areas they're not supposed to be in." Michelle was last seen asking Siri where the nearest courthouse was.
Pelosi Has Little Sympathy for Kavanaugh At a press conference the day after a would be assassin was arrested outside Justice Brett Kavanaugh's house, Speaker Nancy Pelosi seemed to have little sympathy for the Justice's possible close call with death via any combination of bludgeoning, shooting, hog tying, suffocation, stabbing, screw drivering or painful eye, nose and throat burning. The Speaker reasoned that, "this poor, oppressed young man - oh he's white.... well, Trump oppressed everyone - as I was saying, this poor, sweet young man didn't actually commit any violence now did he? No he didn't. He had a backpack full of things that fully prepared him to tackle today's obstacles that Republicans have placed in front of him. I have to believe that he just wanted to talk reasonably with Justice Kavanaugh about some upcoming Supreme Court rulings. As we've stated before: we fully support protesting outside the conservative Justices' home... I mean any of the Justices' homes as long as they're peaceful, like the summer of '20 protests. This sweet, sweet young boy was just peacefully protesting outside the Justice's house at a perfectly reasonable hour of the morning. And c'mon people. The Supreme Court Justices are suppose to be our Nation's smartest, legal minds.... why doesn't Justice Kavanaugh have a bigger fence around his property to protect him and his family if they're so important? That's how we protect everything in this country that's important. Have you seen the security I have at my house? It cost 10 million dollars. No one is getting to me or my Husband - well, he's behind a different wall right now... but seriously, I've taken the utmost precaution in protecting myself from the filth outside our gates. Have you seen the condition of my city back in California. It's utterly deplorable. I pay security guards 1000 dollars a day to protect me with fully automatic M-16s. The real deal. The actual weapon of war, not AR-15s......." The speaker was then seen pausing for a long time, as if to wonder if she actually said the last number of sentences out loud. When asked if she realized what she had just said by MSNBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, CNBC, Washington Post, New York Times, Huffington Post, Mother Jones, Atlantic, New Yorker, Newsweek and TIMES reporters simultaneously, she responded by ripping the microphone in half, in a stunning display of strength for a woman her age and walked off the stage with aids close by telling her she nailed it.
Man Wakes From Coma A now 65 year old man has awakened from a 33 year coma shortly after watching the Donald Trump interview on Larry King in 1989. Friends are saying that he is very confused by all the reports claiming that he's Hitler reincarnated. He's commonly found to be saying things like, "are you sure we're talking about the same guy? Donald Trump? The real estate guy? Wasn't he on Oprah the previous year? Didn't he tell Larry King he'd choose Oprah as his running mate? I don't think we're talking about the same guy. I hear his daughter is Jewish now?? That seems a bit strange for the modern day Hitler to have a Jewish daughter? What is going on? How come only half the people in this country will talk to me? Some people just scream in my face and call me a fascist, white supremacist, Nazi bigot. I literally have never met them. They just hear me asking questions. What has happened to this world?" He was last seen staring at a newspaper with Joe Biden's face on the front cover asking random passer bys if that is truly the current President, "this is our President??? This guy?? The one who's actually said terribly racist things his whole career? Oh dear........"
BUT TRUMP! A Bloomington family's July 4th gathering went horribly awry when the issue of, basically everything currently happening under the sun got brought up. The family train started veering off the tracks as soon as the member who lived farthest away from the house all were gathered at brought up gas prices, saying, "man! I had to fill up on the way here...." To which another family member immediately jumped in and said, "yeah! That's why you should be driving a Tesla!" A third family member quietly commented, "well, it would be nice but those are pretty expensive, along with everything else right now...." That was met with 5 other family members screaming in unison, "YEAH BUT TRUMP!" The initial, "gas price" commenting sibling tried calming the situation by saying, "I don't quite know how we're still on Trump, a year a half into a new Presidency but, I was just trying to make small talk..." 10 people at the Holiday gathering then shouted, "BUT TRUUUUUUUUUUUMP!" An hour later while people were getting ready to eat, the simple request for a brat and burger resulted in 15 family and extended family members chanting in harmony, "Trump's a fascist! Trump's a Nazi! Oppressed by a Bad Orange Man we will not be!... Russian stooge! Vlad's good pal! If it weren't for Trump, Ukraine would be swell!...... YEAH BUT TRUUUUUUUUUMP!" The family member who caused the unhinged, Trump deranged meltdown was last seen accelerating quickly down the block, assumedly to a saner environment in a small town out west like Buffalo.